302 lines
13 KiB
HTML
302 lines
13 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html>
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<html
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class="not-ready text-sm lg:text-base"
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style="--bg: #faf6f1"
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lang="es-mx"
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>
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<head>
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<meta charset="utf-8" />
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<meta
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name="viewport"
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content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1, shrink-to-fit=no"
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/>
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<title> - The void of my mind</title>
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<meta name="theme-color" />
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<meta name="description" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed." />
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<meta
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name="author"
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content=""
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/>
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<link rel="preload stylesheet" as="style" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/main.min.css" />
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<link rel="preload" as="image" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/theme.png" />
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<link rel="preload" as="image" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/mastodon.svg" />
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<link rel="preload" as="image" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/rss.svg" />
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<meta name="generator" content="Hugo 0.110.0">
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<meta property="og:title" content="" />
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<meta property="og:description" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed." />
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<meta property="og:type" content="article" />
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<meta property="og:url" content="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/blog/cyberespacio/i-pinched-my-hand-again-in-an-attempt-to-feel-something-the-needle-was-running_tfr97ebudhijx7k6/" /><meta property="article:section" content="blog" />
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<meta itemprop="name" content="">
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<meta itemprop="description" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed.">
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<meta name="twitter:description" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed."/>
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</head>
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<body class="text-black duration-200 ease-out dark:text-white">
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<header class="mx-auto flex h-[5rem] max-w-3xl px-8 lg:justify-center">
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<div class="relative z-50 mr-auto flex items-center">
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<a
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class="-translate-x-[1px] -translate-y-0.5 text-3xl font-bold"
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href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/"
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>The void of my mind</a
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>
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<a
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class="btn-dark ml-6 h-6 w-6 shrink-0 cursor-pointer [background:url(./theme.svg)_left_center/cover_no-repeat] dark:invert dark:[background-position:right]"
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></a>
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</div>
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<a
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class="btn-menu relative z-50 -mr-8 flex h-[5rem] w-[5rem] shrink-0 cursor-pointer flex-col items-center justify-center gap-2.5 lg:hidden"
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></a>
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<script>
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const htmlClass = document.documentElement.classList;
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setTimeout(() => {
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htmlClass.remove('not-ready');
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const btnMenu = document.querySelector('.btn-menu');
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btnMenu.addEventListener('click', () => {
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htmlClass.toggle('open');
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});
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const metaTheme = document.querySelector('meta[name="theme-color"]');
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const lightBg = `"#faf6f1"`.replace(/"/g, '');
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const setDark = (isDark) => {
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metaTheme.setAttribute('content', isDark ? '#000' : lightBg);
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htmlClass[isDark ? 'add' : 'remove']('dark');
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localStorage.setItem('dark', isDark);
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};
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const darkScheme = window.matchMedia('(prefers-color-scheme: dark)');
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if (htmlClass.contains('dark')) {
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setDark(true);
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} else {
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setDark(darkVal ? darkVal === 'true' : darkScheme.matches);
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}
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darkScheme.addEventListener('change', (event) => {
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setDark(event.matches);
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});
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const btnDark = document.querySelector('.btn-dark');
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btnDark.addEventListener('click', () => {
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setDark(localStorage.getItem('dark') !== 'true');
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});
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</script>
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<div
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class="nav-wrapper fixed inset-x-0 top-full z-40 flex h-full select-none flex-col justify-center pb-16 duration-200 dark:bg-black lg:static lg:h-auto lg:flex-row lg:!bg-transparent lg:pb-0 lg:transition-none"
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>
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<nav
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class="mt-12 flex justify-center space-x-10 dark:invert lg:mt-0 lg:ml-12 lg:items-center lg:space-x-6"
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>
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<a
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class="h-8 w-8 [background:var(--url)_center_center/cover_no-repeat] lg:h-6 lg:w-6"
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style="--url: url(./mastodon.svg)"
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href="https://novoa.nagoya/@sarvo"
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target="_blank"
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rel="me"
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></a>
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<a
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class="h-8 w-8 [background:var(--url)_center_center/cover_no-repeat] lg:h-6 lg:w-6"
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style="--url: url(./rss.svg)"
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href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/index.xml"
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target="_blank"
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></a>
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</nav>
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</div>
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</header>
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<main
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class="prose prose-neutral relative mx-auto min-h-[calc(100%-10rem)] max-w-3xl px-8 pt-20 pb-32 dark:prose-invert"
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>
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<article>
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<header class="mb-20">
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<h1 class="!my-0 pb-2.5"></h1>
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<div class="text-sm opacity-60">
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</div>
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</header>
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<section><p>I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed.</p>
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<p>That’s only side one of the disc however, is it disk or disc? What is really the difference? I am not researching that, now deep into the night by tomorrow morning I have to deliver a couple of reports on some lectures, but I can’t make myself feel anything, no motivation, no anything, before it used to be fear of my parents, of living in the streets of a dark future, now in the precipice what is the most enticing to me is death, I don’t see a reason to keep going, I have a girlfriend but I don’t even know how to love, I have a life, I have a family, I have friends, but there is absolutely nothing that makes me feel alive, the only thing I have ever had is my own heart, my burning will, but now that I have extinguished myself, now that even the carbon burns what do I even do? What can I do? I can’t touch other people because I am trapped in my sphere, I even thought I could write about this and make something worthwhile of my excistence but my brain doesn’t even have the capacity to pull it off, most I can do is this small pages and parragraphs of my depressing thoughts, nothing to actually put in a book, no memories, no structures, I can’t make chains of ideas because I hate chains, yet this is one, they come when I less realize it, I wouldn’t be surprised if in some years I had absolutely everything and I still couldn’t feel anything, the reason I am where I am right now is because I want to feel, to learn about my own mind, learn how to live, but once I am in here what I found is the dullness of existence once again, and this is my own problem because I am not making it better, but really I don’t care for making it better because I don’t care about anything, not even my own life, again in the abyss, and I can’t come out of it because I am the abyss myself.</p>
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<p>… A dream lantern? Maybe, but I can’t feel it, nor it, nor anything, wish I never existed, and not only now but various times, but I can’t die quite yet because I don’t even have the will to die, but I don’t want to live either, is this how you become undead?</p>
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<p>Am I already a zombie that hasn’t figured it out? Is this that land.. I wonder, it is draining me, sucking me alive, how can people even live like this, in this?</p>
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<p>Hours pass by and I am still in this void doing nothing, why do anything is something I have convinced myself of and I can’t really see it wrong. Where is my inspiration, where is my muse, where is my life? Will her even make me feel alive or am I too far gone to be a human?</p>
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<p>I want to sleep again, but I won’t even be able to do it, my eyes close but my mind persists, why can’t I do anything?</p>
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<p>I feel something is missing, even in this text, care to tell me what?</p>
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<p>Is it life really just lying to yourself until you die? I really can’t do that either.</p>
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<p>Anyway, coming back to what sparked all this “reflection”, I know I have to deliver this report, it is something that I actually need to do to even learn too, I skipped the one from last week, I shouldn’t be skipping this, the work is even already half done, I could do it in like an hour or a couple, and is a theme that actually interests me… so then why can’t I bring myself to do it? Why am I writing this crap instead of dealing with my responsibilities, why do I have the will to do this which is also writing and even more exhausting than just paraphrasing what other person said, I think I know why in an epiphany just now; I can’t do repetitive tasks, I am not an automaton that receives information and turns it into something else, into a regurgitation or interpretation of that information, I can only do that when it is information that concerns me, which I am bound to or related to, an intermediary institution and authorities can’t create or link that bond in me, that’s why I don’t feel it, I know the reason but that doesn’t unburden me, in square one I find myself again, but wiser of my own actions.</p>
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<p>All this being said, if I can’t go to sleep in the next few minutes I will probably make these damned reports.</p>
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</section>
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<nav class="mt-24 flex rounded-lg bg-black/[3%] text-lg dark:bg-white/[8%]">
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<a
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class="flex w-1/2 items-center rounded-l-md p-6 pr-3 no-underline hover:bg-black/[2%]"
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href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/blog/cyberespacio/i-honestly-think-these-post-are-keeping-my-sanity-at-float_4nu4f59xq63d53v5/"
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><span class="mr-1.5">←</span><span></span></a
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<a
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href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/blog/cyberespacio/i-was-running-as-fast-as-i-could-not-out-of-fear-but-out-of-will-for-a_wouuyk6uwejglcv9/"
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© 2023
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<a class="link" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/">The void of my mind</a>
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>▷ Paper 6</a
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