ren
15e50ba22f
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest, Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island"
348 lines
14 KiB
HTML
348 lines
14 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<html
|
||
class="not-ready text-sm lg:text-base"
|
||
style="--bg: #faf6f1"
|
||
lang="es-mx"
|
||
>
|
||
<head>
|
||
<meta charset="utf-8" />
|
||
<meta http-equiv="X-UA-Compatible" content="IE=edge" />
|
||
<meta
|
||
name="viewport"
|
||
content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1, shrink-to-fit=no"
|
||
/>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<title>I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something - The void of my mind</title>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<meta name="theme-color" />
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<meta name="description" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed." />
|
||
<meta name="author" content="Lumin" />
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<link rel="preload stylesheet" as="style" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/main.min.css" />
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<link rel="preload" as="image" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/theme.png" />
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<link rel="preload" as="image" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/mastodon.svg" />
|
||
|
||
<link rel="preload" as="image" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/rss.svg" />
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<link rel="icon" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/favicon.ico" />
|
||
<link rel="apple-touch-icon" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/apple-touch-icon.png" />
|
||
|
||
|
||
<meta name="generator" content="Hugo 0.122.0">
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<meta property="og:title" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something" />
|
||
<meta property="og:description" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed." />
|
||
<meta property="og:type" content="article" />
|
||
<meta property="og:url" content="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/blog/cyberespacio/i-pinched-my-hand-again-in-an-attempt-to-feel-something-the-needle-was-running/" /><meta property="article:section" content="blog" />
|
||
<meta property="article:published_time" content="2021-09-20T04:53:21+00:00" />
|
||
<meta property="article:modified_time" content="2021-09-20T04:53:21+00:00" />
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<meta itemprop="name" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something">
|
||
<meta itemprop="description" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed."><meta itemprop="datePublished" content="2021-09-20T04:53:21+00:00" />
|
||
<meta itemprop="dateModified" content="2021-09-20T04:53:21+00:00" />
|
||
<meta itemprop="wordCount" content="894">
|
||
<meta itemprop="keywords" content="imported,old blog,write.as,sueños," />
|
||
|
||
<meta name="twitter:card" content="summary"/><meta name="twitter:title" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something"/>
|
||
<meta name="twitter:description" content="I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed."/>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</head>
|
||
|
||
<body class="text-black duration-200 ease-out dark:text-white">
|
||
<header class="mx-auto flex h-[5rem] max-w-3xl px-8 lg:justify-center">
|
||
<div class="relative z-50 mr-auto flex items-center">
|
||
<a
|
||
class="-translate-x-[1px] -translate-y-[1px] text-2xl font-semibold"
|
||
href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/"
|
||
>The void of my mind</a
|
||
>
|
||
<div
|
||
class="btn-dark text-[0] ml-4 h-6 w-6 shrink-0 cursor-pointer [background:url(./theme.svg)_left_center/cover_no-repeat] dark:invert dark:[background-position:right]"
|
||
role="button"
|
||
aria-label="Dark"
|
||
></div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
|
||
<div
|
||
class="btn-menu relative z-50 -mr-8 flex h-[5rem] w-[5rem] shrink-0 cursor-pointer flex-col items-center justify-center gap-2.5 lg:hidden"
|
||
role="button"
|
||
aria-label="Menu"
|
||
></div>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<script>
|
||
|
||
const htmlClass = document.documentElement.classList;
|
||
setTimeout(() => {
|
||
htmlClass.remove('not-ready');
|
||
}, 10);
|
||
|
||
|
||
const btnMenu = document.querySelector('.btn-menu');
|
||
btnMenu.addEventListener('click', () => {
|
||
htmlClass.toggle('open');
|
||
});
|
||
|
||
|
||
const metaTheme = document.querySelector('meta[name="theme-color"]');
|
||
const lightBg = `#faf6f1`.replace(/"/g, '');
|
||
const setDark = (isDark) => {
|
||
metaTheme.setAttribute('content', isDark ? '#000' : lightBg);
|
||
htmlClass[isDark ? 'add' : 'remove']('dark');
|
||
localStorage.setItem('dark', isDark);
|
||
};
|
||
|
||
|
||
const darkScheme = window.matchMedia('(prefers-color-scheme: dark)');
|
||
if (htmlClass.contains('dark')) {
|
||
setDark(true);
|
||
} else {
|
||
const darkVal = localStorage.getItem('dark');
|
||
setDark(darkVal ? darkVal === 'true' : darkScheme.matches);
|
||
}
|
||
|
||
|
||
darkScheme.addEventListener('change', (event) => {
|
||
setDark(event.matches);
|
||
});
|
||
|
||
|
||
const btnDark = document.querySelector('.btn-dark');
|
||
btnDark.addEventListener('click', () => {
|
||
setDark(localStorage.getItem('dark') !== 'true');
|
||
});
|
||
</script>
|
||
|
||
<div
|
||
class="nav-wrapper fixed inset-x-0 top-full z-40 flex h-full select-none flex-col justify-center pb-16 duration-200 dark:bg-black lg:static lg:h-auto lg:flex-row lg:!bg-transparent lg:pb-0 lg:transition-none"
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<nav
|
||
class="mt-12 flex justify-center space-x-10 dark:invert lg:ml-12 lg:mt-0 lg:items-center lg:space-x-6"
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
class="h-8 w-8 text-[0] [background:var(--url)_center_center/cover_no-repeat] lg:h-6 lg:w-6"
|
||
style="--url: url(./mastodon.svg)"
|
||
href="https://novoa.nagoya/@sarvo"
|
||
target="_blank"
|
||
rel="me"
|
||
>
|
||
mastodon
|
||
</a>
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
class="h-8 w-8 text-[0] [background:var(--url)_center_center/cover_no-repeat] lg:h-6 lg:w-6"
|
||
style="--url: url(./rss.svg)"
|
||
href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/index.xml"
|
||
target="_blank"
|
||
rel="alternate"
|
||
>
|
||
rss
|
||
</a>
|
||
|
||
</nav>
|
||
|
||
</div>
|
||
</header>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<main
|
||
class="prose prose-neutral relative mx-auto min-h-[calc(100%-10rem)] max-w-3xl px-8 pb-24 pt-16 dark:prose-invert"
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<article>
|
||
<header class="mb-20">
|
||
<h1 class="!my-0 pb-2.5">I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something</h1>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<div class="text-sm opacity-60">
|
||
|
||
<time>Sep 20, 2021</time>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<span class="mx-1">·</span>
|
||
<span>Lumin</span>
|
||
|
||
</div>
|
||
|
||
</header>
|
||
|
||
<section><p>I pinched my hand again in an attempt to feel something, the needle was running with my own hot red blood, I wonder often if I am a machine, people often say machines don’t feel, the sad thing is I know exactly why I can’t feel, my numbness comes from pain, is like if my heart has burned so hard it is now carbon and even if it were to come out as a diamond it would still be the hardest thing, try to get in, try to make it a scratch, to even break it, nothing, it will only make your own heart bleed.</p>
|
||
<p>That’s only side one of the disc however, is it disk or disc? What is really the difference? I am not researching that, now deep into the night by tomorrow morning I have to deliver a couple of reports on some lectures, but I can’t make myself feel anything, no motivation, no anything, before it used to be fear of my parents, of living in the streets of a dark future, now in the precipice what is the most enticing to me is death, I don’t see a reason to keep going, I have a girlfriend but I don’t even know how to love, I have a life, I have a family, I have friends, but there is absolutely nothing that makes me feel alive, the only thing I have ever had is my own heart, my burning will, but now that I have extinguished myself, now that even the carbon burns what do I even do? What can I do? I can’t touch other people because I am trapped in my sphere, I even thought I could write about this and make something worthwhile of my excistence but my brain doesn’t even have the capacity to pull it off, most I can do is this small pages and parragraphs of my depressing thoughts, nothing to actually put in a book, no memories, no structures, I can’t make chains of ideas because I hate chains, yet this is one, they come when I less realize it, I wouldn’t be surprised if in some years I had absolutely everything and I still couldn’t feel anything, the reason I am where I am right now is because I want to feel, to learn about my own mind, learn how to live, but once I am in here what I found is the dullness of existence once again, and this is my own problem because I am not making it better, but really I don’t care for making it better because I don’t care about anything, not even my own life, again in the abyss, and I can’t come out of it because I am the abyss myself.</p>
|
||
<p>… A dream lantern? Maybe, but I can’t feel it, nor it, nor anything, wish I never existed, and not only now but various times, but I can’t die quite yet because I don’t even have the will to die, but I don’t want to live either, is this how you become undead?</p>
|
||
<p>Am I already a zombie that hasn’t figured it out? Is this that land.. I wonder, it is draining me, sucking me alive, how can people even live like this, in this?</p>
|
||
<p>Hours pass by and I am still in this void doing nothing, why do anything is something I have convinced myself of and I can’t really see it wrong. Where is my inspiration, where is my muse, where is my life? Will her even make me feel alive or am I too far gone to be a human?</p>
|
||
<p>I want to sleep again, but I won’t even be able to do it, my eyes close but my mind persists, why can’t I do anything?</p>
|
||
<p>I feel something is missing, even in this text, care to tell me what?</p>
|
||
<p>Is it life really just lying to yourself until you die? I really can’t do that either.</p>
|
||
<p>Anyway, coming back to what sparked all this “reflection”, I know I have to deliver this report, it is something that I actually need to do to even learn too, I skipped the one from last week, I shouldn’t be skipping this, the work is even already half done, I could do it in like an hour or a couple, and is a theme that actually interests me… so then why can’t I bring myself to do it? Why am I writing this crap instead of dealing with my responsibilities, why do I have the will to do this which is also writing and even more exhausting than just paraphrasing what other person said, I think I know why in an epiphany just now; I can’t do repetitive tasks, I am not an automaton that receives information and turns it into something else, into a regurgitation or interpretation of that information, I can only do that when it is information that concerns me, which I am bound to or related to, an intermediary institution and authorities can’t create or link that bond in me, that’s why I don’t feel it, I know the reason but that doesn’t unburden me, in square one I find myself again, but wiser of my own actions.</p>
|
||
<p>All this being said, if I can’t go to sleep in the next few minutes I will probably make these damned reports.</p>
|
||
</section>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<footer class="mt-12 flex flex-wrap">
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
class="mb-1.5 mr-1.5 rounded-lg bg-black/[3%] px-5 py-1.5 no-underline dark:bg-white/[8%]"
|
||
href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/tags/imported"
|
||
>imported</a
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
class="mb-1.5 mr-1.5 rounded-lg bg-black/[3%] px-5 py-1.5 no-underline dark:bg-white/[8%]"
|
||
href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/tags/old-blog"
|
||
>old blog</a
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
class="mb-1.5 mr-1.5 rounded-lg bg-black/[3%] px-5 py-1.5 no-underline dark:bg-white/[8%]"
|
||
href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/tags/write.as"
|
||
>write.as</a
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
class="mb-1.5 mr-1.5 rounded-lg bg-black/[3%] px-5 py-1.5 no-underline dark:bg-white/[8%]"
|
||
href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/tags/sue%C3%B1os"
|
||
>sueños</a
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
</footer>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<nav class="mt-24 flex rounded-lg bg-black/[3%] text-lg dark:bg-white/[8%]">
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
class="flex w-1/2 items-center rounded-l-md p-6 pr-3 no-underline hover:bg-black/[2%] dark:hover:bg-white/[3%]"
|
||
href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/blog/cyberespacio/this-was-probably-a-dream-i-forgot-to-write/"
|
||
><span class="mr-1.5">←</span><span>(This was probably a dream I forgot to write)</span></a
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
class="ml-auto flex w-1/2 items-center justify-end rounded-r-md p-6 pl-3 no-underline hover:bg-black/[2%] dark:hover:bg-white/[3%]"
|
||
href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/blog/cyberespacio/a-dream-meet-a-bullet-kill-a-nazi/"
|
||
><span>A dream "Meet a bullet, kill a nazi"</span><span class="ml-1.5">→</span></a
|
||
>
|
||
|
||
</nav>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</article>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</main>
|
||
|
||
<footer
|
||
class="opaco mx-auto flex h-[5rem] max-w-3xl items-center px-8 text-[0.9em] opacity-60"
|
||
>
|
||
<div class="mr-auto">
|
||
© 2024
|
||
<a class="link" href="https://gemini.novoa.nagoya/">The void of my mind</a>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<a class="link mx-6" href="https://gohugo.io/" rel="noopener" target="_blank"
|
||
>Powered by Hugo️️</a
|
||
>️
|
||
<a
|
||
class="link"
|
||
href="https://github.com/nanxiaobei/hugo-paper"
|
||
rel="noopener"
|
||
target="_blank"
|
||
>Theme Paper</a
|
||
>
|
||
</footer>
|
||
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html>
|