A dream

Going deep into my own mind now that I have woken up just to remember my experience in the world beyond, an oniric plane is sometimes called.

It happened in places I used to transit a lot when I was in high-school and uni. It was on a street that connects to a interstate road, somewhat transited, I am at a little mall, there is about a super market and a few other stores, the feel, the ambiance is similar, it is the night, there is absolutely empty, there are no details in anything, but is the place or my memory of it, there is just a small main pass which is where I am walking through, it forms at first like an rect-line shaped S, from a topview perspective, walking is just like a go left then right situation, so I do the then there is a small forum, with some seats also empty and the other side of the stores, then following that “right” pass that we get on it extends far more until the end of the building with some others small stores closed or empty until I reach a dining room where there are fast food stores, pizzas, hamburgers, sandwiches, subways “tortas”, etc. These are closed as well, I stay around the tables for a bit than some people join me first a girl, then a couple then a man, they are old… friends that I have never seen in this life, but I feel some familiarity in these faces, at first I think a couple, are my parents, it feels like that, but the more I interact with them it feels like they aren’t, they are just similar in the libidinal energy they flow with, or its management.

We go to the supermarket to buy somethings none important, it happens but I don’t remember any other people, we go to their car, it is a van? mini-van? is not big but not small either, plenty of space for us five, there are no names, not even mine. As we approach the car and get out of the mall we all see the starts, the nightsky, it is flooded by this little things like jellyfish and birds, they are just floating around like dandelion seeds flowing with the wind, sometimes they move, they are alive, sometimes they are just placidly falling and floating, they have this bright luminescent color, they are of all bright shades of blue, it is a beautiful spectacle to perceive and we all stay watching amazed at them, however this sightings are rather normal so we get into the car a while after that.

I am in the backseat just in the middle of a couple, a girl of black hair and a dude whom I can’t remember his face. In the front there is the guy driving he is the oldest of us all, and his girlfriend a brownish to redhead girl, they are discussing a lot, the ambiance is really heated and I am just there watching the road in silence with my other quiet companions in the back, they are looking disinterested at the sides of the car through the windows, nothing is happening I am not aware of myself I am just existing there and then… we crash.

Next thing I remember everyone is feeling bad, anxious, we are not in the car anymore we are all on the street that connects to the road, on the sidewalk again empty and dark on a corner, it is just us although some car pass on a perpendicular street at a top velocity.

They all start discussing I am still quiet, I am still thinking about what happened, because I can’t understand it, I ask “Did we died?” There is a silence and everyone looks down. - We didn’t die, says the brunette chick - But we killed a lot of people. - Yes and it all his fault - Says the girl with the brown hair pointing at the old man that is her couple, then in rage she begins explaining what happened as they were arguing we changed the path we were on, we took another path maybe it was our destination I don’t quite know, we went to the right into some street then we lost control of the car, of the machine, or rather the friend driver and we stumbled into a building a kind of factory, the thing is that it was within a residential zone, probably everyone was sleeping, it exploded and we killed everyone, none of us know how did we get here where we are now… but everything feels a bit odd.

The brunette seems to read my mind, years have passed since then, 30 maybe? I guess, that’s what she says in a absolute air of despair, I feel it, I feel her, I feel everything she is felling right now, the anguish, the uncertainty the uncommensurable guilt. I almost cry, but she, she is just there with a dead sight on me, reading me knowing I know how she feels, because she can feel herself in me, she doesn’t know what any of this means, but I do, and I take my ground again, I stand up and take the lead.

Blaming the old bald man will solve nothing, actually nothing we can do can solve what we did, I begin to remember time, for them this have been 30 years, they have been living with what they did for 30 years, for me it is just a matter of seconds for one instant to the other, as if those 30 years didn’t happened to me… maybe they didn’t. They don’t look any older tho, but everyone looks damaged and tired compared to how we were when I met them in the plaza.

I don’t say anything but my certainty calms everyone, we begin to walk back to the plaza, on that same straight street. As we walk the brunette talks to me she tells me “you know, there were 150 people that we killed” I don’t say anything but I feel what she means by that, she can handle the blood on her hands, that’s why she remembers the number so precisely, so she knows her debt of death. I look back at her the look in my eyes tell pain and hope, I don’t say anything but she understands.

The walk feels endless we stop for a bit the couple is no longer fighting, the other guy also with a black hair and white skin is just quiet, is like if he isn’t there anymore, but that is just an automaton. I don’t care about him, the other girl the brunette is in pain still but she is no longer dominated by it, I sit with my ginger friend and the automaton while the others go to a little store that is close by I tell her I am lost about the brunette girl, that I know there is something and she knows as well but I don’t know how to cut our breach, they know each other for a way longer time that I do, she the ginger was with the brunette in her child and teen ages, they are friends since then, I know this, but I didn’t think about it, would you help me? (I think). The others come back with some food and we all sit or stand to eat on the sidewalk, its quiet for a bit then we begin talking and laughing like in the old days, this feels good, and while we approach the end of that chapter we begin to stop our chatting, in the not awkward silence, my ginger friend tells me about a song its in my mind and it plays for us on a device, not for me tho because I didn’t remembered. “Los malaventurados no lloran” A song from their teen ages, the brunette feels it, and the bond between she and her friend grows in strength once more, but this time I was the one who did it, she sees me, I am now in her memory of that song. Our breach is closed.

We finally arrive to our destination, I just remembered I had a bubblegum in my mouth all this time, we get to the outside part of the mall where there is like a little plaza and seats adorned by some trees, I see the sky, is normal, is has been like that for 30 years, just black with the sporadical stars, like you would see normally in a night of this physical world, but that didn’t used to be the normal in that one, the “dandelions” disappeared after I did and we killed all those people in their sleep. I closed my eyes for a bit not focusing but seeing beyond my eyes, with my mind all this while being unaware of myself, I heard a cry, it was the brunette girl, and everyone was looking up not only my friends but there were now other people all around us, across the street and beyond, everyone was looking at the dark sky, so I looked up, it wasn’t a cry of pain, but of happiness and I understood now why, the dandelions where back and more vivid and colorful than ever, then I look through them, it was a super nova a cosmic event in an absolute clear, like those pictures of the ships we send to space, but was all visible from the ground, it was marvelous and astounding, the colors the magnitude that I fail to describe in words. Then I looked at the girl with the dark colored hair, she was so close to me she was grateful, a song played, maybe the same we heard before, and she got ecstatic, she kissed me and I passed her my bubblegum, I was dead ashamed of it, and I am sure she felt it because we were connected now and I knew but she didn’t bothered, I didn’t feel anything with my body like you would normally would with a kiss, but I felt it in my soul and it was so true and intense that it woke me up, and when I realized that I of course got a dull depression of it being over, and the knowing that I probably will never get back into that world again, I immediately went back to sleep just to wake up here again some hours later.